Effective communication is at the core of healthy relationships. The ability to articulate thoughts, feelings, issues, praise, and beyond makes a massive difference in the overall dynamic of a relationship, whether couples are in the dating phase or decades into their marriage. With effective communication, problems are less likely to fester, resentment is less likely to build, and partners are able to develop a deep understanding of one another that serves as a loving, trusting foundation that helps them remain connected through good times and bad.

It’s important to remember that communicating is indeed a skill, and that means it can be practiced and developed over time. Let’s look at a few key strategies to help improve the communication in your marriage. 

1. Active Listening to Build Understanding 

It’s easy to fall into the habit of “listening to respond” instead of “listening to understand.” Especially during a disagreement, we can feel the need to urgently get points across, refute accusations, and defend ourselves, but if you’re mind is occupied with what you’re going to say next, you aren’t focused on what’s being said to you.

When communicating with your spouse, make patience and active listening your “default mode,” and ask your partner to do the same. If you’re both aware of the pitfall of “listening to respond,” you’ll be more likely to avoid it. 

Not only does this include simply waiting for the other party to speak their full thoughts, it also means asking clarifying questions, resisting defensive behavior, and making an intentional goal of truly understanding what they have to say.  

2. Use “I” Statements

Accusations can make people feel defensive. Phrasing things with “I” statements (instead of “you” statements) helps make the communication about your thoughts and feelings, how your partner’s actions have affected you internally, and helps frame issues as something to resolve together.

For example, a statement like “I feel isolated and lonely when you’re out with your friends and don’t text me back. I’m glad you have friendships, but I feel left out when you choose to spend your time with them and not me” is far different than “you’re always out with your friends and ignoring me. You care about them more than me.”

The former is about how one person’s behavior makes the other person feel – which is entirely valid – and the latter is an assumption about motivation, feels like an accusation to the recipient, and doesn’t get to the root of the issue. 

In this example, the central issue isn’t necessarily that one person is spending time with their friends, but rather that the other person is having a negative emotional reaction to it.   

3. Tone

This one’s simple: keep your tone in check. Even when things get heated, shouting, anger, sarcasm, and the like aren’t helping the situation. This is easier said than done, of course, but it’s another strategy to keep in mind that both of you will benefit from. If a discussion is getting intense, it’s okay to take a break, to step away to calm yourself, and to remind one another that the purpose of an “argument” is to communicate and work through issues – not to attack or belittle one another. 

4. Empathy: Putting Yourself in Your Partner’s Shoes

Everyone’s different, including their triggers, emotional scars, pet peeves, and so on. That means that what bothers you might not bother your spouse, and vice versa. If the goal is to build and improve connection, a major part of that is going to involve seeing things from your partner’s perspective. 

Even if you don’t entirely understand where they’re coming from or why something is particularly bothersome, striving to put yourself in their shoes, to see the situation from their perspective (including parts of that perspective you may not even agree with) helps point the communication back toward reducing hurt and building lasting, trust-based connection.

Effective communication for couples is complex, and has to contend with the strong emotions that come along with love and long-term relationships. Still, with these basic strategies in mind, you and your spouse can turn arguments into productive conversations, reframe disagreements as “both of you vs. the problem,” and learn to understand each other’s inner workings in a way that deepens the bond you share. 

To learn more about communication skills and their role in thriving relationships, contact Invest Couples Therapy today!